in class bogging

Is done in secret....

I love my little "kick", as I call it. It lacks a camera, but does it's job well.

I have had a rough 3 weeks. My life has changed dramatically, and I have learned more about who I am. And I have no choice but to accept her. I'm not sure if I can handle the ebb and flow of life. It feels more like violent waves.... My life, my choices, are making me sea sick.

It's felt like a year since I last blogged. Since then I have stopped and started smoking again, had bad and great sex, and started a medical assisting course.



For the first time in forever, I feel the need to go to the gym.

cults and kittens and cigs

Today is a little odd.

I don't have anything to do but clean, and I need to wash some socks.

My mother gave me money to but gas but I might buy cigs with it.

I want a new friend, and to see my other friends more.

I want to work but I don't want to get up.

I want a clean room but I don't want to sit in it.

I want to leave but I have no where to go.

Dear Mrs. Phillips.

You know, I have thought about you over the years. You were the meanest, most awful teacher I have ever had (right up there with Mrs. Campbell). You ruined my life when you didn't give me those crayons, that day that you handed them out to everyone.

And you know what?...

I remember you hitting Dustin in the back with a ruler. Uh huh. And so does everyone else. I don't know why we never said anything.

Now that I think of it, perhaps someone did. Maybe that why you retired.

Or maybe you were just old.


Love,
Porsha

Let Me Be Your Healing Star

I don't know how to begin to rebuild my life. I'm not sure if I had everything together before but at least I felt like I was a part of things, somewhat.

I feel like an alien who can't go back to their home-planet. But, I'm without cool superpowers.

Please just....

Stop looking at me like that.

Stop talking to me.

Just go away.

Please.

I must admit...

That I like kitten breath. I don't know what it is, but I love the smell of Leo's breath. I'm sure that he hates the smell of mine, but he can't talk so I have the advantage.



I have finally come to admit that it has been really hard. I can't remember myself 3-4 weeks ago, but I know that I was different, I saw things differently. My reality has changed drastically, and I'm not sure how to cope. Or even if I want to cope.

After everything, i'm still alone, and it's starting to hurt. A lot. I don't know how I can even begin. My parents think I'm getting better, but I'm getting worse and I think they will handle me differently. My mother is trying to make an effort to plug in but she says the wrong thing ALWAYS. I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want to keep hurting. And this house is too noisy, and I hate it here at home.

I have barely begun to pray again.

Wake Up Call

Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed. Don't you care about me anymore? Care about me, I don't think so...


I love my new job. I still don't really believe I got one, and quit Starbucks. I felt as though I was just gonna stay there and hate it for the rest of my life. I keep thinking my new boss is gonna fire me. Or discover that I really don't care about beds and that I'm only twenty going on seventeen. I feel as though I was tricked because Kathy left before she got to work with me. She left to do better things... Something she wanted to do.

I have fun, and I'm treated like an adult for it.