Dear Mrs. Phillips.

You know, I have thought about you over the years. You were the meanest, most awful teacher I have ever had (right up there with Mrs. Campbell). You ruined my life when you didn't give me those crayons, that day that you handed them out to everyone.

And you know what?...

I remember you hitting Dustin in the back with a ruler. Uh huh. And so does everyone else. I don't know why we never said anything.

Now that I think of it, perhaps someone did. Maybe that why you retired.

Or maybe you were just old.


Love,
Porsha

Let Me Be Your Healing Star

I don't know how to begin to rebuild my life. I'm not sure if I had everything together before but at least I felt like I was a part of things, somewhat.

I feel like an alien who can't go back to their home-planet. But, I'm without cool superpowers.

Please just....

Stop looking at me like that.

Stop talking to me.

Just go away.

Please.

I must admit...

That I like kitten breath. I don't know what it is, but I love the smell of Leo's breath. I'm sure that he hates the smell of mine, but he can't talk so I have the advantage.



I have finally come to admit that it has been really hard. I can't remember myself 3-4 weeks ago, but I know that I was different, I saw things differently. My reality has changed drastically, and I'm not sure how to cope. Or even if I want to cope.

After everything, i'm still alone, and it's starting to hurt. A lot. I don't know how I can even begin. My parents think I'm getting better, but I'm getting worse and I think they will handle me differently. My mother is trying to make an effort to plug in but she says the wrong thing ALWAYS. I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want to keep hurting. And this house is too noisy, and I hate it here at home.

I have barely begun to pray again.

Wake Up Call

Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed. Don't you care about me anymore? Care about me, I don't think so...


I love my new job. I still don't really believe I got one, and quit Starbucks. I felt as though I was just gonna stay there and hate it for the rest of my life. I keep thinking my new boss is gonna fire me. Or discover that I really don't care about beds and that I'm only twenty going on seventeen. I feel as though I was tricked because Kathy left before she got to work with me. She left to do better things... Something she wanted to do.

I have fun, and I'm treated like an adult for it.

I Get It.

I don't have the energy for any more words. I'm just so tired. I just can't deal with... anymore words.

Almost everyday, everything just seems too hard. I think that I feel like giving up. All the way... I feel like if I stop for a second and think, I will do just that. I already have given up on a certain area of my life. It was too easy. It was scary-easy...

If I keep moving, and talking and laughing and texting and hugging, I still feel as though what is going on inside me isn't happening.
I can convince myself that what I'm feeling's not real. That it's my period...

Or something.

30

thats my sleep number.

i could either sell beds or jeans... i guess i could do both...


i have interviews with sleep number and gap. my background check with the loan company still hasn't gone through, and i find myself caring less and less. i'll find something else, no doubt. but i need to do so fast...

nothing gets done in my life. not even blogging. i have been meaning to blog for a week, but i don't have the energy to create something entertaining and asking people to read it. even though that's not what blogging is about. maybe. i need to make more of an effort, because it's a great way to process and to be honest about whats going on in my life.
(can't really lie in a blog- other people who may know that truth can see your lies and they may call you out on it)

i have the perfect smoking window in my room. there is a chair and the window sill is that is wide enough to hold almost anything. plants are coming in the spring.

You're Hired?

I maybe got a new job. There's that pesky background check that I need to pass...

I'm not sure how this job is better. I'll still be working with customers, most likely angrier. Perhaps I'll have more hours, however there will be no discount, on anything that I would want. I get to dress better, and I'll have only one other person working with me, and it probably won't feel as hectic when it's busy.

I just feel as though I need a change. I need a new job and a new way of living my life. This is scary, but I think that wherever I will be is better than where I am...


It's funny how I ask god to move in my life and I then I'm terrified of change... Seems backwards.

A Case of You

I'm up late.

I seem to overestimate how much time I have to do things: "I still have three minutes to get dressed and leave for work."

I'm getting up at 8:45 tomorrow. I still have ten minutes to get into bed and fall right to sleep and get an even eight hours... Right?


I'm lonely tonight. But a weird kind of lonely. I wanna be around people but the right people. Really I think that I could've only tolerated one person, tonight. Who they are, I don't know, and it hardly matters, now.

I only really journaled tonight. I went to Starbucks and journaled. While listening to Joni Mitchell. But, it was successful and I felt good and restless after. I felt like I got a lot off my mind and onto paper and I felt lighter.

Yeah. Journaling is my favorite thing to do.



Goodnight.

We all know the truth...

I have decided not to open my bills because I already know what they are going to say. Something along the lines of, "Give us money." I'll just be wasting my time. Right now I could be:

Cleaning my bathroom.
Washing my car.
Doing laundry.
Napping.
Applying for jobs online.
Reading the book I was assigned in my English class.
Cleaning my room.
Watching Memento.

I could do half of these things today, but so far it looks like none of them are gonna get done.

I just came from work. Nuff said.

I smoked two cigarettes today, and kissed someone on the cheek. Both I know I shouldn't have done, but that just felt right at the time.

Never gonna get it, neva gonna get it...

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought: geeze, what a fucking mess?? But, not in the morning, in the late afternoon or evening, after you had already been seen by anyone who is going to see you that day?


Yeah. You guessed it: That's me.


Never got to crochet today, Rachel had to watch her babe. But, it's all good. I had school stuff to do anyway, and I actually got a chance to do it. Or, I got a chance to start and blog in the middle of it. But, I'll finish. Both this blog and my summary.


No one in my life knows how to crochet. Perhaps its a lost art. I think that I wanna learn because I think that it might relax me. I also need really cheap scarfs.
I think that we lost the art of doing things, besides drugs and alcohol, that relax us. Somehow this feels different than playing nintendo or blogging.

My room was never cleaned.

I still havn't revised my resume.

I dont know how much money I have in my bank account.

My bike's front tire is flat.

Yoshi and Random Breadsticks

I spent the night at my cousin's house, last night. We played Yoshi's Island(with a Super Nintendo) while eating and drinking anything that we could get our hands on. I think that it should be considered a sport.


I'm gonna learn how to crochet today, with Rachel. Hopefully I'll learn more about her. She frequents Axis, like me and she has the cutest baby. She also sells really awesome stuff she makes.


I'm still having trouble getting up off of bed, and I didn't even sleep in my bed! Maybe I should open up my blinds- I think that if I shed light on the mess in my room, I'll be way shamed of it, and leave my room...



I'm having a problem with being so self centered. Whenever someone mentions something, I find a way to turn it around and make it about me. I hate that about myself, but there is hope: Self Awareness!






All of the above paragraphs started with I.

Daddy never did nothing wrong, he's just so innocent...

I should be spanked.

I am not even dressed yet, and it's 1pm! I feel like a slacker, a loser. I should be revising my resume: adding useless information, trying to make it fill up the page. But I'm not, I'm blogging.


The more I go to school, the more I despise being on campus. People are just...weird. And there are too many places to sit.
I probably have more units than I thought I had to knock off. for some reason, that's okay with me. I'm scared to go to Fresno State. I'm scared of all the money, and all of the people. I know they will be better than me somehow- smarter maybe.


Things that I must do today:
Ride my bike.
Look over notes for the test I have to take in 5 and a half hours.
revise my resume.

I wonder how much I will get done.

I wonder if I'll go to work tomorrow.

I wonder if I'll ever get another job.

I wonder if I'll ever have sex again.

I wonder when my mother will buy a new mop.

I wonder if my coffee is cool enough to drink, now.

I wonder when my friend will let me play with her baby, again.


My worries come in waves...

If you go, go all the way, don't look back...

So I checked out a book- I do that a lot. I'll check out a book and skim through it later. Then, if I don't like it, it stays in the trunk of my car until the check-in date. Books are a good habit I have kept over the years. What's special about this particular book is that I have checked it out 3 times already.
I have checked it out and lost interest, then wondered to myself, "Why do I keep checking out this book?". Sort of like men, but I'm not gonna go there...

Anyway, it's called As Hot as it was, You Ought to Thank Me.

I've read three pages of it and I've fallen in love. I'm just confused as to why. Why now?
(I could go on some deep tangent as to why we don't accept or love some great things in out lives at certain time, and how we tend to dump people or habits or job, when we shouldn't but it's late and I won't. I'm also too lazy to link the book title.)


A friend ignored my phone call tonight because Heroes was on. And sent me a text saying that she did because of that fact. I laughed my ass off! Why do people allow their lives to be held hostage by a television show? People who are almost always in control of every aspect of their lives are now, confined to a time slot. There should be support groups for when the seasons end.


I have noticed that the older that we get the less we are comically honest... If we happen to retain the habit of calling things how we see it when it's inconvenient for others we are called tactless, and not cute. It only works when we are really young or really old.... I think at that point it's the only fun we are allowed to have.

It's a small world after all...

I don't know why that song is blaring from the iced cream truck but its incredibly annoying. It doesn't wanna make me buy iced cream, it makes me wanna chase the truck and throw rocks at it.



Well, my fears have come true: No temp agency can do anything for me because I have no experience anywhere else. I need at least 6 months of office experience to get in the door.

Well, tough luck, I suppose. It's just that any measure of uncertainty about my future is scary. Not that I can't find another job, that should be easy. Just finding one that doesn't bother me and make me wanna shoot myself is difficult. But I'm still gonna trust God. I've spent too much time trying to fight against that.

I will be fine. I just need to work at hard at finding a new job as I do at whining about my current one. I don think that it will be too difficult. Heh.



In other news, I need to learn how to tell the truth. I'm not sure if I don't wanna go out with Him because I just don't wanna go out, of if it's just Him. Today is not a good day to test it out. I need to get mean and set boundaries. Hey! I tried, I remember, but someone couldn't take a hint! But that's not something that I can expect form anyone when I don't expect others to treat me that way... what to do, what to do...



Wow, there are a lot of birds outside. I hope none of them go outta their way to shit on my car.

The joys of finding jeans in the back of your closet...

Savior, he can move the mountians... My God is mighty to save... He is mighty to save!
(I can't get that song outta my head... I dont even know that words)

How am I supposed to walk into a temp agency and ask them to place me at job when I have NO useful skills, whatsoever? Starbucks really fucked me, I think... I can't really work a computer or answer a phone, but I can make coffee?

I already knew how to do that!!! Before I started working there!!!

But I guess I'll have to just wing it. I'm good at that...

GOD, I hope I get fired. I feel as though I've been praying for change to happen and this is the only change that has taken place. If I'm gonna get fired for anything I guess giving decaf to customers, would be on my list...

1) Throwing coffee in a rude persons' face
2) Stealing a whole bunch of shit.
3) Telling someone off, whom I work with.
4) Giving decaf shots to customers.
5) not showing up.


I would kinda go down in flames, in my mind. A blaze of glory!! But, walking in there and telling everyone to fuck off would be tactless.


I really need a digital camera. I have never really asked for one, and I dont know who could afford to give me one or who cares enough. I think that I'll just get rid of all my debt and charge up one of my credit cards again.

1) Espresso Machine. (or a REALLY good coffee pot)
2) digital Camera.
3) clothes.
4) a bed.
Those are not in any order of what's more important.


I should get going. I thought that I would have trouble straightening my hair, but lit was pretty easy.

Things I'm grateful for, so far:

1) My best friend (and for the fact that she doubles as my cousin)
2) My bomb-diggity hair straightening iron-thingy.
3) worship at church.
4) The people at my church.
5) God's grace, and how He just comes in and fixes my mistakes without me even asking.
6) My awesome collection of songs that I've downloaded.
7) My boobs.
Those are in no order...

Once I say it, it's gets easier...

Family guy is on, and I'm blogging? I should be watching it. I should be wasting my time laughing at nonsense...

I attended a picnic today, and it wasn't that damn bad. I bought cookies for nothing, though. (I charged them on my credit card, so I wont have to worry about it until later.) they're still in the trunk of my car, I don't blame anyone for not eating them. I liked everyone, today.

I'm feeling somewhat productive, tonight. Like washing my clothes and cleaning the bathroom makes my day more successful. Or something.

I just have so much to do, to feel completely how I want to feel. Whoever she is she's more valuable than who I am now. Somewhat more desirable. I just feel as though my dirty hair and my unfolded clothes on my chair makes me gross. Not gross- just, unfinished.

Yeah, that's it. I feel as though my life is always unfinished.


What if I have babies and they're not cute. And what if they cry. And smell and don't listen. Then it feels like it's going to be all for nothing.